Helping your child focus on their goals

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I’m sure this is a question you remember being asked when you were a child, and no doubt your answer changed as you got older. It is a question that gives children a scope to think about their own future and possibly set themselves a long-term goal, although we don’t expect children to shape their entire future based upon their ideas as a five-year-old. Like all of us, children will change their ambitions until they finally set upon one to which they will stick and make conscious decisions in their lives to achieve. However, it is normal for this to happen when a child is in their teenage years, not when they are in primary school.

But this doesn’t mean that primary school children don’t have realistic goals that they want to achieve. Indeed, it is becoming far more common for children in Years 5 and 6 to be more vocal on which secondary school they wish to attend and, at this age, their reasons can be very well thought out and very mature. I know of many children who have decided they want to take the 11+ or a private school exam simply because they want to attend a specific school, and they are under no illusions that this will involve a lot of hard work and commitment.

However, they are just children and it is fair to say that many of them are quite inclined to give up the hard work as soon as it becomes very challenging or inconvenient for them. Couple this with the multitude of distractions and opportunities children are afforded in the present day, it can be hard to help them achieve their goals without being portrayed as the bad guy for stopping them from doing what they want and telling what to do, even if it is for their own good.

So what can be done to help them? Sadly there is no one-answer-fits-all solution, but I do have a few suggestions based on my experience working with children which I’m sure will help. Some of my examples will be aimed towards children who have set themselves the goal of attending a specific grammar or private school, but the ideas can easily be applied to any other type of goal your child has set.

1. Ensure it is a goal they have set themselves because they want to achieve it - sometimes children decide they want to try and achieve things because they think it will make their parents happy, or because their friends are doing it. This can make it hard to motivate them during the challenging times because it isn’t something they want for themselves. When your child comes to you about their ambition, try to find the motive behind it to see if it really is something they have decided to do themselves.

2. Work together to come up with a realistic long-term plan - you will need to have a frank discussion with your child so they understand it will require hard work and commitment. Together, work out what steps they need to take in order to achieve their goal, and (if it is suitable) create a timetable together so they know what they need to do and when it needs to be done. If they will need to make sacrifices, such as having to stop attending clubs in order to free up more time, try to let them choose what to stop and what to continue. This means that they are taking more responsibility and ownership of their choices and they are more likely to persevere over the long-term.

3. Give them opportunities to remind them what they are aiming for - find out when the desired school is hosting open days, fayres, sports clubs, community events etc. Take your child (or even the whole family) along to them so they can immerse themselves in the environment and have fun at the same time. While you are there, don’t constantly remind them that this is what they are aiming for and they need to work hard to get there; they will reach that conclusion themselves. Instead, let yourself relax and have fun with them!

4. Celebrate any successes and achievements along the way - whenever your child achieves something that will ultimately help them achieve their goal (however big or small), find a way to celebrate or reward them. This doesn’t have to be anything big; you are just trying to show your child how proud you are that they have worked hard towards their goal, and that every little achievement is important. Most of us are significantly more motivated and work a lot harder when we are regularly praised for our efforts than when we are regularly criticised or reminded of our mistakes, and children are no different.

5. Try to motivate without over-pressuring them - we are all aware of the effects of stress, and the last thing any of us want is to cause children to be over-stressed. As I mentioned in the previous point, regular praise and small rewards are a much better motivator for children than telling them they are not working hard enough. Of course, children need discipline and there will be times when you will need to be firm with them, but ensure that these times are much less frequent than when they are being celebrated or praised. Another thing to avoid is offering your child a huge reward for achieving their goal. Whilst this is a well-meaning idea, it can have the opposite effect on children - there will be times when they will think about what will happen if they don’t managed to achieve their goal, and could perhaps worry about the consequences of this. It is only natural to want to reward children for achieving something momentous, but it might be better to keep such a reward a secret so they don’t feel burdened by it. It is also a good idea to make sure that, if they don’t manage to achieve their ultimate goal, they know that it is not the end of the world and you won’t love them any less. It is of course a ridiculous notion to suggest any parent would suddenly love their child less for not passing a certain exam, but children’s minds can work in mysterious ways, so it is best to remind them of this simple truth.

I hope you have found this both useful and interesting to read - it certainly has stimulated my thoughts as I have been writing it! I wish everyone a very happy and prosperous year, and thank you for continuing to support us.

P.S. A big thank you to Rachel Burgess for suggesting the topic for this month’s blog. We are always looking for interesting topics to write about, and we’d love for anyone to contact us with their suggestions.

If you would like more information on the 11+, SATS or any other aspects of primary education, please contact us and we would love to help you. You can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook, and you can learn more about our company or purchase our 11+ practice materials at www.ingenia-education.co.uk.